Parrots of the Carrots
by Boooklover
Summary: My first fanfic, conceived one bored Maths class with a friend. Basically a weird rewrite of Pirates of the Caribbean. Come, marvel at my twisted mind.
1. The Evil Scotsman

Parrots of the Carrots: the Curse of the Black Raisin 

Bev Duck, a spoilt, selfish brat of nine years old stood at the front of the ship _Truffle_; the only part that wasn't waterlogged. She was pouring bottles of alcohol into the water to annoy the other sailors, and was singing softly to herself:

"_Cos I'm an evil Scotsman…and Jimmy is my name,"_

Suddenly, one of the sailors called Ms Dibbs lurched towards her and reached toward her.

"Young Missy! Everyone knows it be bad luck to pour drink into the water and sing the Evil Scotsman! Ye'll incur the wrath of Billy Conolly's lawyers… if he doesn't get ye first!" As he spoke, he turned at regular intervals and vomited. He'd been experimenting with a new kind of vodka, which turned his puke multicoloured.

At this moment, Billy Conolly drove on the water on his motorbike, and headed towards the ship holding a vicious dead parrot. Bev shrugged and threw an empty Jack Daniels bottle at Billy, and he sank, screaming into the waves.

At this moment, Governor Duck, Colonel of the Quackers, and his trusty suck up sidekick, Norrrrringtonnnnn walked up to Ms Dibbs and slapped him with yet another dead parrot. Each.

"Ms Dibbs, I do not appreciate you teaching my daughter about an amusing Scottish comedian; it may give her a taste for culture."

At that point, Norrrrringtonnnnn said in a flirty voice "Parrots are violent, desolate creatures, the lot of them. They should get a plucking!". He then licked his lips and winked at Bev, who tossed her dirty blonde, curly hair and kicked him in the shin. Hard.

Ms Dibbs staggered away, muttering about the green llamas made of toothpaste.

Just then, a flaming ship came into view, and apart from one of the pyromaniacs on the crew doing a monkey dance with delight, no one noticed. A boy was blasted from the ships cannon, and landed on the deck. Bev walked over to him and began poking him with a shard of glass. He awoke, saw his own blood, screamed like a girl and fainted again. Bev noticed he had what seemed to be a medallion around his neck; it said:

_Name: Bill Wormer_

_Gender: Unknown_

_Status: Vaccinated _

And then there was a picture of a carrot and cracker blended together (it's kinda hard to describe). Bev gasped.

"Y-you're a… parrot!"

And just as she was about to make him fight the drunks on the ship…

"_And that was Celebrity Tarzan!" _The sound of Chris Moyles on her alarm clock woke her up. She sang along - _"Celebrity Tarzaaaaan!"_ and 19 year old Bev Duck flopped back down onto her bed for a few more hours.

Bev's father barged in 3 hours later, not bothering to knock on the expensive-looking oak door, and said, "Are you still in bed on this fine day?" As it happened, Bev was highly photosensitive, but no-one cared. Bev tried to get dressed, which was hard since her father kept peering round the screen every few seconds.

"I have a present for you, by the way." At that moment, Ashanti, Bev's maid stumbled in, tripped over her dress and accidentally threw the box she was carrying out the window the Governor just _happened_ to open at that moment; luckily, Bill Wormer just _happened_ to be passing by the open window, and caught the box. And the author just _happened _to stop writing the word _happened _in italics because it's tedious. No, really.

Anyway, Bill was carrying a gold plated, semi-automatic machine gun the Governor had requested (and spent most of his money on). Of course, hit men are so much cheaper than buying your own gun, but Governor Duck thought hit men were parrots, and he'd had them all turned into blacksmiths. Not that he'd want to kill anyone, mind. Nope, he'd _never_ do that. Nope. Maybe.

By the time Bill had entered, Bev had changed into a dress of many, many layers and a corset. Luckily, young women of that time had the superhuman ability to breathe in almost any conditions, except when dead parrots were shoved in their mouths.

Downstairs, in the **_Grand Hall_**, Bill Wormer stood holding the fine fake leather box containing the gun, and the pine box that had just flown out the window. Bill absentmindedly pulled on the antlers of a stuffed moose head, and it fell into his arms. Dropping his boxes, he hurriedly stuffed it into the giant, coffee flavoured, triple tiered cake that was just lying around. And no-one noticed. _No-one._

The Governor entered, and Bill handed him the pine box, and he said in a shaky voice, "I think the sky's falling… this assaulted me on my way in, and I was only here to give you your gun, and why do these things keep happening to me, I never did anything wrong!" his voice was getting more and more hysterical, and he was about to hyperventilate when someone not really important enough to have a name slapped him with a dead parrot.

The Governor took the box from Bill and took the gun out; he then started tossing it in the air, to see how long he could do so without the gun going off. At the exact right moment, Bev entered and was struck on the head by the semi-automatic. After a huge fuss, involving people who looked suspiciously like the cast of _Casualty _coming to make sure Bev was OK, they finally left to watch Norrrrrintonnnnn's initiation ceremony into the League of Men in White Wigs.

Meanwhile, in a random harbour, Jock Dodo was sitting on a sinking crate of dead parrots. He was wearing 60's dancing clothes and a hat with a dodo on it that almost looked real…

_OK, I'd like to say that I do like the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, my friend and I just co-wrote this for fun. And I am getting treatment for my obsession with dead parrots. I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, Casualty, Celebrity Tarzan or The Evil Scotsman. Try not to flame._


	2. In Which Dead Parrots Appear

Jock stood up on the crate, stepped onto the harbour and began walking away; however, the harbour master strided up to him and said, "It's a shilling to tie up your boat in the harbour!" Jock stared

"Um, it's a crate of dead parrots, not a ship..."

"OK...give me a shilling anyway!"

Jock looked around, then slapped the man with another dead parrot; he always carried one in his pocket for just such an occasion. But he never had any money. He then spotted a ship nearby and, being a spoilt brat, decided that he wanted it.

Meanwhile, it was Norrrrringtonnnnn's initiation into the League of Men in White Wigs. So far, he'd been thrown into the Giant Jelly Bath of Honour, been a target in the Pie Throwing of Honour and worn the Ceremonial Clowns Hat. Of Honour. He just needed to wrestle a League member from a platform into a pit of dead parrots and then he'd be a member. But none of the members could be bothered to duel him, so they just made Bill Wormer do it.

"Um, I'll just forefit if that's alright, then everyone's hap- AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Bill Screamed as Norrrrringtonnnnn pushed him in casually. There were further screams; one of the parrots wasn't dead, but it was annoyed...

Bev wondered away, and went to sit at a balcony which just so happened to be dangling over the ship Jock wanted to steal. Bev was leaning over the edge, peering at a crate that was floating away; a dead parrot drifted away from it...

"Um...Bev?" Norrrrrintonnnnn said, creeping up behind her. She screamed and fell over the edge and of course, there should have been a proper safety rail and it was pretty stupid of her to be leaning like that anyway... but the point is, she fell, and it looked like our hapless heroine was about to put the story to a short and untimely end...

"NOOOOOO!!!!! My ship! Mine!" shrieked Jock, holding onto the mast of the ship, which turned out to be named the _Womblest_. Two soldiers were exasperatedly trying to coax him off.

"Look, it's going to blown up in half an hour to test it for Norrrrringtonnnnn's new set of weapons!" yelled one, brandishing his gun with the end pointing at himself. The other soldier tried a different approach to the situation.

"Look, when you let go, we'll give you a nice shiny toy boat! How does that sound?" Jock stubbornly stuck out his tongue and tightened his grip defiantly. Suddenly, he spotted Bev apparently drowning in the sea next to the ship. Heroically, he dived in- then remembered he couldn't swim. Oops.

_So, what do you think? Pip and I are waiting for reviews. I don't own _Pirates of the Caribbean._ Yet... _


	3. Candyfloss and Toy Guns

Bev spluttered on the water, and floated for a moment, regaining what composure she had ever had; not a lot. She spotted Jock waving his arms around wildly, and shrieking that he couldn't swim. Bev rolled her eyes and swam over to him. She was dragging him half- underwater to the shore, when he started crying.

"I want my hat! The dodo will get me if I don't!" so they swam back, got the hat, went diving for seashells and finally got to the shore. Norrrrringtonnnnn was there waiting, and he quickly pulled Bev out of the water. As an afterthought, he made a henchman pull Jock out as well.

"I saved the helpless lady! Yes, this one right here!" Norrrrringtonnnnn proclaimed, shaking Bev for good measure. She scowled, and stomped on his foot. Jock stood up, and slapped him with the dead parrot. Everyone stared at him, and he pouted.

"I was just doing what everyone one else was doing!"

Governor Duck gasped.

"He's a parrot!"

"How do you know?" asked a random Plot Device.

"It's a Plot Device; you should know!"

"So...let's arrest him!" yelled Norrrrringtonnnnn. Everyone turned around, only to find that Jock was gone. He was running like a girl towards the town centre, so after a short half hour meeting they gave chase. Tallyho!

Jock looked around in panic; he would need to hide. He spotted a giant statue of a dead parrot, pushed it over, and stood dead-still on the pedestal. When Norrrrringtonnnnn and his crew arrived, they looked at the "statue", baffled.

"I've never seen that one before...how ugly," said Norrrringtonnnnn "must be Modern Art."

The soldiers headed to the huge multi-story shopping mall that just happened to be there. When they were gone, Jock ran to the nearby toyshop. Bill Wormer walked by.

"Hey, that's my favourite toyshop!" Bill cried, and rushed into the shop, bowling Jock over in the process. The shop was empty, as most kids shop online these days. As Bill was examining the soft cuddly pink unicorn toys, Jock snuck up behind him holding a toy lightsaber, complete with sound effects. Buy one at your local toystore now!

"Bill...I...am...your FATHER!" Jock said loudly. Bill shrieked, and slapped Jock with...no, not a dead parrot, but a pink fluffy unicorn! Jock narrowed his eyes, and not just because he had a bad squint.

"You didn't use a dead parrot! You completely destroyed a recurring theme in the story! You will feel the wrath of your father!" With that, he began chasing Bill around the store. Bill jumped into a giant basket of marbles and yelled at Jock from within.

"You aren't my father! And I couldn't find a dead parrot, is it my fault that I'm no good at summoning Plot Devices no, and why does everyone-" Jock cut him off mid-rant by jumping into the basket and attempting to strangle him. Of course, these two children in adult bodies were too heavy and large for the basket, and it burst, sending marbles flying everywhere. One happened to smash the glass of the giant candy floss machine, and the pink fluff spread across the room.

"Yay, candy floss!" the two men yelled simultaneously, and they lunged for it. After they'd stuffed their faces for ten minutes, they proceeded with the battle. They leapt up to the top shelves, and just as Jock was about to strike Bill down with the lightsaber, Bill reached down and grabbed a toy gun. As an afterthought, he picked up a random dead parrot, to keep the peace. Jock gasped, and dropped the lightsaber.

"Don't do it! If you're nice to me, I'll give you some candyfloss!"

"I've had enough!" Bill yelled, and he slapped Jock with the dead parrot then pulled the trigger of the toy gun.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jock cried, and fell to the ground, writhing in imaginary agony. At this point, Norrrrringtonnnnn and his soldiers turned up, attracted by the noise. Norrrrringtonnnnn quickly kicked Jock while he was down.

"It's alright young Bill, I've apprehended the parrot!" he proclaimed, and Bill leapt down. He opened his mouth to protest that he had actually defeated Jock, but Governor Duck quickly got him a pink fluffy unicorn, which shut him up. They dragged an unconscious Jock out the store, and left for the jail. And no-one ever paid for the damages to the shop.

The outraged shop owner vowed to seek revenge, and he eventually opened a new unholy toy store which he called...Toys 'R' Us...

_So, that's the new chapter.No, there wasn't a sales pitch for toy lighsabers in there. I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Wars, Toys 'R' Us or fluffy pink unicorns, although I do have a blue one... _


	4. RACOONS!

Jock woke up in a cell. For some reason, he was in a different cell to the different prisoners, but we won't discuss that now. He realised his hat and dead parrot were sitting on the other side of the room, and he promptly burst into tears.

"I'm sorry Dodo! They took you away! Don't worry, Parrot will keep you company!" By this time, the other prisoners were giving him strange looks- except one who looked suspiciously like a surfer/hippie- the surfboard painted with a peace sign taking up half the cell was an indication of this. The surfer looked at Jock over the top of his sunglasses.

"Dude, like, what are you in for?" Jock sniffled.

"For being a Parrot! It's not my fault there was candyfloss in that shop..." The surfer/hippie nodded.

"That's not awesome, man. I mean, racial prejudice is one thing in this day and age- we won't have completely beaten it even by the early 21st century. And sexism. But job discrimination... that's uncool." By the time the surfer/hippie had finished his speech, half the prisoners, and most of the readers, had fallen asleep. But Jock was listening intently, mainly because he was trying to figure out what the man had just said. Then Jock asked, "What are you in for?"

"People like, totally say I'm insane, just because they don't believe I'm a time traveller and a revolutionary." At this point, two guards entered and dragged the surfer/hippie and his surfboard out of the cell.

"The Governor Duck says you are to be hanged for disturbing the peace. And for being disturbing in general."

"The Man won't get me down! Fight the power!" The surfer/hippie yelled as he was hauled away. His shrieks could be heard outside, and ended mid sentence.

"And I say that the "Governor", the Man is a b-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" There was silence as the surfer/hippie was hanged, then the rabble who had gathered to watch the execution continued to get drunk.

Back in the prison, Jock was panicking. He always burst into tears if someone so much as poked him, and hanging would be extremely painful. He would have to think of a plan…

Bev Duck was refusing to go to bed, partially because it was only six 'o' clock, and partly because there was a massive party going on across, and it was rumoured that there would be some parrots there. Ashanti, her maid, was trying and failing miserably to control Bev.

"But miss, you know your father hates parrots and parties! Just think-"

"I'll take you with me." Interrupted Bev, which of course made Ashanti agree wholeheartedly with the plan. They put on some outrageous clubbing clothes (skirts just above the ankle; this _was _whatever time it's set in) and climbed out the window. Well, Ashanti climbed out; Bev leapt out and landed on Ashanti.

When they arrived at the party, there was a riot going on. Several claiming to come from the dreaded ship _Black Raisin _were demanding to know where the medallion was. Then, when they saw the door open it occurred to them that they could loot the town for it, and get some new loot as well. Bev suddenly realised that odds were, it was her- well, Bill's stolen- medallion that they were after, and ran out of the party, screaming. This was a clue to some of the parrots that she might have it, so they followed her home.

"All right, everyone put your hands up! Well, we'll kill you whether you do it or not, so just panic or whatever…" said a parrot with one of those sweets that looks like an eye in his eye socket. His partner, an ordinary looking man but for the psychotic look on his face, nodded and yelled, "And show us to the racoons!"

The servant stupid enough to hang around had just enough time to laugh before being shot. He didn't quite die, but was promptly beaten to death with a dead parrot.

Meanwhile, Bev was hiding under a small chest of drawers in her bedroom, with her legs sticking out, and she was whimpering loudly. She was clutching the medallion, which was stupid because she really should have either hidden it or just given it up. As this thought occurred to her, the door squeaked open…

_Yay, my first cliffhanger! Thanks to my reviewers, _Beautiful x lie, Tokyo Mew Mew Mint, Admiral Norrington, xxZinaala is Mexx, Les Innocents and Animal Crossing Lover. _I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean; I don't even own this computer, as my brother is just about to steal it away from me… _


	5. Parsley Ice Cream

"'Ello, pippet!" said the psychotic man, who's name was Intel. His partner, Rebecci looked confused.

"Shouldn't it be "poppet"?" He received a clout round the ear.

"The racoons say it's pippet! Now, let's get her!"

However, in this argument, Bev had squeezed out from under the chest of drawers and was now making a run for it. There was a brief Scooby Do-esque chase, involving running in and out of doors and leaping into empty laundry baskets, but eventually Bev was cornered.

"Parsley!" Bev suddenly cried out. The parrots looked confused. "I have invoked the right of Parsley! According to the Parrots code, you must take me to your captain and I can't be harmed until we eat parsley ice-cream!"

"Argh, to blazes with the code-" Rebecci yelled out, until Intel stopped him with an almost sane look on his face.

"No, let's take her to the captain. After all; we must honour the code... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" With that, Bev was pushed forward, and was lead at swordpoint to the _Black Raisin_.

At the prison, a cannonball coincidentally came crashing through the wall, setting all but Jock free. Jock cried for a few minutes then decided to carry out his newly formed escape plan.

He attempted to make the prison key holding dog fetch his dead parrot. The dog was an incredibly cute little mutt with long, dirty blonde hair. It was also incredibly stupid, and was licking Jock's face.

"No, you adorable little mongrel, the parrot! I'll let you eat it once I'm done with it! Come-"

BANG. That wasn't the sound of two immensely unhygienic parrots trying to break down the prison cell door. It was more of a pathetic sounding _thump. _The two parrots gave up on the dramatic entrance, so they simply opened the door and strolled in. The dog scurried away.

"Hey you're the meanies who left me on that island without alcohol or sugar on that island!"

The two parrots grinned, and one with pink dreadlocks stuck his arm through the bars of Jock's cell in order to throttle him. However, the moonlight shone on the arm at that precise moment to reveal… a WING!

"So there is a curse…" Jock squealed; it was a strange sensation, being throttled by a wing. The other parrot, wearing a doily rag on his head, snickered.

"Now we're going to leave you here dramatically in order for the story to go to another main character so the plot can carry on."

And indeed the plot did. Carry on, that is. Yeah.

Bill Wormer was confused, and not just because he always was. No, instead of scrounging from a blacksmith and pretending to be an apprentice, he was running around like a chicken who's head hasn't been cut off yet, but it knows it's fate and is doing everything it can to get away from the axe. Bill had panicked, and was now randomly swinging a dead parrot at anyone who might actually help him in some way.

"I…WANT…MY…PINK UNICORN!" Bill shrieked, swinging at an innocent bystander and nearly taking their eye out.

Fortunately, he was put out of his misery by someone throwing a pink unicorn into an alleyway, so Bill settled into a Dumpster, cuddling his unicorn, and slept there for the night.

On the Black Raisin, Bev stood face to face with the Captain. His name, as she was told on the way over, was Captain Barabara(times ten to the power of nine)bossa, but he was normally called Baa.

"So, young missy, what be your name?" Baa asked, ignoring his own bad grammar. Honestly. Just because pirates are foul-mouthed murderers and thieves, doesn't mean they shouldn't talk properly.

"Bev… Wormer!" Bev said randomly; of course, it wasn't really random, she had an unacknowledged crush on Bill Wormer. Baa smiled evilly, and it was obvious this had something to do with some sort of hidden plot line.

"Well boys, let's just up and leave for no apparent reason, and take the girl." It was at this point that Bev realised that she was wearing the medallion round her neck. And the parrots hadn't killed her… well, everyone knew what was happening by now, so there was no annoying dialogue.

_Sorry about taking so long to update, I hate writer's block. The end was kinda rushed, but oh well. I don't own anything to do with _Disney. _If I did, things would be very different…_


	6. IKEA Ship Department

Bill Wormer woke up at mid to late morning, still clutching the pink unicorn. Cautiously, he made his way out of the Dumpster and out into the street. Coincidentally, Norrrrringtonnnnn was standing around randomly discussing the disappearance of Bev with Governor Duck, Colonel of the Quackers and some soldiers who's sole job appeared to be following Norrrrringtonnnnn around and agreeing with his every word.

Bill approached them, sucking his thumb with one hand and clutching his pink unicorn with the other.

"Where's my friend Bev?" Bill inquired, removing his thumb for a moment.

"She's been captured by the parrots, I'm afraid."

"What? But she's my only friend, and I don't want to be alone, and, and..." Bill burst into tears, and Duck made a wild attempt to calm him down.

"Look, how about you go and rescue her?" A strange gleam appeared in Bill's eye, and he ran off towards the jail. A soldier stepped up to Governor Duck and gave him an ominous look.

**"You know not what you have done..."** he said in a voice that had sinister background music and everything. And not without good reason...

Bill arrived at the jail after quickly going home to put his pink unicorn to bed.

"It's too dangerous for you, Mr. Candyfloss." He'd said ruefully.

Now, he was facing Jock Dodo in a cell. Jock was venting his anger by putting his 60's dancing clothes to good use and dancing round the cell to psychedelic music. It was extremely depressing.

"Um, hi." Bill said cautiously. Jock ignored him, and continued dancing. Bill noticed a CD player, hence the music, so he turned it off. Jock glared at him.

"Hey, that was mean."

"Sorry… anyway, my friend Bev was taken away and I'm gonna rescue her but I need someone to hold my hand while I do it…"

"That's weird! I need someone to hold my hand while I get my ship, the Black Raisin back. If you can get me out, we can do it together!" Bill nodded happily and began looking round the jailhouse for something to open the cell with.

BANG.

A meteorite fell through the roof, narrowly missing Bill and Jock, but knocking down the cell door. Despite the fact that it was a massive meteorological improbability, they didn't question it, and they walked out of the jailhouse; for now, not holding hands.

Upon arriving at the harbour, Bill and Jock were trying to work out how to steal a ship without risking getting beaten up. They tried asking, begging, crying, throwing a tantrum and even dressing up as women and flirting with the owners of the ships, but to no avail (although they came pretty close with the last one).

"We're never gonna get a ship!" Bill wailed loudly, and as the two sat down to cry, the sun shone upon a miraculous sight.

"It's… IKEA!" Jock gasped, "They have everything, including those little mugs I love!" Bill and Jock ran into IKEA, squealing excitedly.

First, they went to the IKEA restaurant and stuffed their pockets with enough food to last ages; of course, this used up what little money they had. They didn't realise that this would be a problem. Jock and Bill faced each other excitedly.

"Let's shop!" they cried, high-fiving.

A few hours later Bill and Jock arrived at the new section, which just so happened to sell ships. Both of them had already filled up some IKEA bags with masses of rubbish they just HAD to have. Coincidentally, the ship section was set in the local harbour so you could just buy one and leave. Or, in the case of Bill and Jock, steal one and leave.

"Freedom!" Bill yelled, as they sailed away from IKEA and some extremely angry employees in a boat they had named the _Inparroter_; Jock overruled Bill's suggestion of _The Flying Unicorn_.

"Now, we're gonna need a bigger crew to run this ship; I don't know how!" Jock said as the voices of the angry IKEA workers faded in the distance.

"Me neither; good idea." Bill replied, "But where will we find a crew desperate enough to work with us?"

Behind them, a huge sign light up, proclaiming _Island of Desperate Castaways over here, come now for people who really don't give a dead parrot's uncle where they go as long as they can escape_. Jock had an idea; after recovering from the headache that quick thinking always caused him, he voiced this idea to Bill.

"Let's go to Tartar Island! There are tons of parrots there!"

As Bill nodded and they set off for Tartar Island, the inhabitants screamed in frustration; this was the third time that week it had happened.

_I'm baaaaack! Sorry about the late update; I would say it won't happen again, but it probably will so tough luck. I don't own IKEA, anything made by Disney or any other ominous voices. Except for those in my head…_


	7. Parrot Slap Lane

Bev was now sitting inside a locked cabin filled with a few other parrots watching daytime TV. Occasionally she attempted to ask whether there would be any conversation not involving how much their own swords would be worth on various antiques shows, but she was steadfastly ignored. The only interesting part was when Baa entered the cabin and took bets on who would be the champions of champions on Countdown; Bev placed a bet of fifty *insert currency here* on the child genius before deciding to escape.

Her method was simple, but highly effective- she grabbed one of the more valuable "antique" swords and threw it across the room, distracting the bloodthirsty murderers. In the time it took them to rush around in panic, dent the sword, panic again and finally accept the loss, Bev had managed to take a lifeboat and escape- there was at Sat-Nav system that could guide her back home quite effectively.

Jock and Bill somehow manoeuvred the _Imparroter _into the harbour of Tartar Island without lasting damage to the harbour, the ship or the innocent bystanders. Still, Jock slapped someone around the face with a dead parrot- partly because it was a matter of principle, and partly out of habit. Turning to Bill, Jock explained his knowledge of Tartar to the other weird man-child.

"The best place in town for recruiting parrots is the Pokemon Fan Club. They're notoriously fierce, but loyal... as long as you don't talk about Digimon."

Bill nodded in a mistaken wide-eyed respect for the oddly attired parrot, and followed him as he danced onwards, so his dancing clothes wouldn't become a defunct character quirk.

They wandered through a random street which, unbeknownst to them, was actually Parrot Slap Lane, wherein the general social rules as regards to assault with dead animals no longer apply. By the time they reached the large building shaped like a Pokemon Centre, they were covered with peck, bite and somehow sting marks.

The sliding doors opened, revealing a large room filled with people dressed as their favourite characters and clutching surprisingly realistic plush versions of their Pokemon that made Bill ache for Mr Candyfloss. These Pokemon fakes were actually little bags, with a section to hold their games consoles at all times.

Jock and Bill were mostly ignored as they approached the Nurse Joy, begged for some Max Potions, complained that they only got Hyper Potions, were slapped by a dead parrot, slapped some other people with dead parrots, were extremely confused as the author confiscated the dead parrots as it was far too overused, questioned their own existence as the author tried to hide in the Trading Centre and finally settled down to drink their Hyper Potions as the author regained control of the story and stopped trying to enter the storyline.

"So any idea who to begin with?" Bill enquired, looking out into the sea of Pokefans.

"We're looking for an old friend of mine... well, I say friend... could've been four blokes, the whole country, tedious inevitability..."

Bill Bailey's beard, actually an animal trained to sit very still, zoomed in on a trouser-press Segway, handed Jock a court order telling him not to plagiarise, and left, allowing Jock to continue and ignore the temporary insanity constantly occurring in this story- and continue to incur the wrath of the beard.

"Yeah, we're going to get help from Ms Dibbs. Want an Egg of Numbing Inevitability?" He added, pointing to a drunken parrot clutching a Metapod bag containing an ancient Gameboy- a brick with black and white moving blocks, basically.

Bill and Jock were beginning to worry that they wouldn't be able to get help as they munched on the toys from their Kinder Eggs out of sheer despair.

Bev, who had been sailing for approximately ten minutes, and she was already tipsy from the booze kept for emergencies in the lifeboat. Just as she had done many years ago, Bev Duck was now singing that haunting melody...

"I don't care where you come from, if you're big or your small, I've fought the best, and I beat them all!"

Unbeknownst to Bev, the zombie corpse of Billy Connolly had teamed up with Bill Bailey's beard and they were now latched onto the underside of Bev's lifeboat ready to kick some copyright-infringing ass. They had accepted for now that they couldn't hurt the author yet- not unless she tried to put herself into the story again. So now they'd make the characters suffer...

_I'm baaaaack! And the next chapter is on its way hopefully, so expect more mind-warping weirdness!_


	8. Sneak Hugs!

Two hours later, the parrots switched off the television (the news was on) and realised that Bev had gone missing. A flurry of panic, fear and screaming failed to ensue. Instead, Baa shrugged and told his crew, "Looks like we'll have to find another cheap-ass medallion we can sell for too much. Still, I'll miss laughing behind her back at her name- Wormer, what a joke!"

"Almost as stupid as Duck!" Added Rebecci, ignored by Intel who was planning to buy some raccoon art at the next stop. For you see, the crew of the Black Raisin had decided to give up the life of parroting and start up their own version of the Antiques Road show. Their next stop was... Tartar Island.

The same place Bev was currently drifting towards. After drinking and singing _Evil Scotsman_ all night, she now had the mother of all hangovers as the lifeboat deviated from her original destination. She fell asleep again, muttering incoherently with her head felt like it was being carved up by a katana. Sometime in the middle of the afternoon, she woke up, and her headache was reduced from katana carving to spork poking. Looking up blearily, she saw the harbour of Tartar island and an IKEA ship covered with superficial damage and small drawings of unicorns. Bev frowned- she knew one person who would sail a ship and liked unicorns.

"Bill?" She mumbled, and the sporks jabbed into her brain like a child trying to eat the substance contained in her skull. Crawling from the lifeboat, which was abandoned and promptly stolen, she staggered along the same path as Jock and Bill.

However, upon walking through Parrot Slap Lane, she became quickly irritated, and ended up knocking a man unconscious with a totally non-recurring dead ostrich. She was given wide berth after that, and soon arrived at the Pokemon Centre (she was actually a big Digimon fan, and was planning to make fun of them before searching for Bill.)

However, she forgot all about this when she spotted Bill spitting out the remains of a Kinder Egg toy and ran up behind him and flung her arms around him.

"Sneak hug!!!" she yelled as Bill simultaneously screamed like a girl and laughed happily (he liked hugs).

"What about me?" Jock cried, and Bev hugged him too, thus creating a fierce rivalry between Bill and Jock. Which was temporary forgotten when Bev remembered her original purpose in entering the Pokemon Centre.

"Greymon could kick Charizard's ass any day!"

The silence could have been cut through with a spork. After a few seconds, during which Bev, Bill and Jock began to edge towards to door, the barrage of empty Potion containers began, with the odd dead parrot thrown in by people who refused to give it up after Parrot Slap Lane. The oh-so-un-heroic trio fled, with Bev staying ahead despite her outrageous clubbing clothes, flashing her ankles (see previous chapters). Bill and Jock, however, were often caught by the angry mob and beaten up before boredom took over and pursuit of Bev continued.

Eventually, the chase ended as the Pokenerds experienced mass withdrawal symptoms, having abandoned their games for a whole half hour, and returned to the Pokemon Centre, shivering slightly.

Our "heroes" wandered around Tartar until they found the empty house of a parrot who they thought was dead, but turned out to be on holiday (the closed curtains indicated this). Jock picked the locked with a sharpened beak of a dead parrot, and within five minutes of entering the house, they were sitting on the sofa watching mindless reality TV. At one point Jock questioned they very existence of things like TV, Pokemon and IKEA in this time period, but the author swiftly dropped a small piano on his head.

"This is surrealism, you fool!" The author's maniacal voice yelled from the television (she was afraid that Zombie Billy and The Beard would detect her if she inserted herself into the story again) and the whole incident was forgotten by Jock, the other characters and all the readers. Unless they wanted a larger piano dropped on their head... no threats intended

During the random narration interval, Bill got lucky... that's right, he won £10 on the Lottery. What did you think I meant? Sick people- wait, noticing that makes me sick... ARGH!

Oh no, the characters have fallen asleep- they're that bored about this ramble! Let's end this now and see what the next chapter brings...

_I think my insanity has risen since I started this story... I don't own anything that could have me sued, beaten up or otherwise damaged physically (since psychological damage is futile). Review please!_


	9. Katanas!

The Black Raisin was now sitting in the harbour of Tartar. The parrots inside were waiting for dawn so that they could go to the nearest TV station and pitch their idea without their moonlight-induced parrotness scaring people- or causing them to laugh. Of course, Intel and Rebecci were so weird they would have to be left behind anyway. They were going to watch the final round of Countdown- Baa had plenty of money riding on that eccentric English professor, and if the child genius won, he would be piiiiised.

Meanwhile, Bill was up early in the morning watching cartoons and singing along with the theme tunes. A particularly loud one woke Bev and Jock up.

"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"

"You if you don't go back to sleep!" Bev shrieked, throwing a cushion at the TV (she wasn't a morning person), coincidentally switching it off.

"Yeah, weirdo!" Jock added, trying to win points with Bev. It didn't work, as only Bev could insult Bev's biatches. The rest of the morning was spent with Bev snoring loudly and whispered childish threats between Jock and Bill. Finally they woke up for lunch, i.e. microwave popcorn and several gallons of insert high-caffeine drink here.

They then switched on the TV, jittering madly, to Countdown. They watched it in between Jock and Bill having fights with two katanas that just _HAPPENED_ to be lying around with Bev egging them on. Then, the winner of Countdown turned out to be... the child genius!

"Motherducker!" Baa exclaimed upon receiving a phone call from Pintel and Rebecci. He handed out a few coins to his parrot crew then snatched them back (he WAS the captain, after all). Baa checked their number on the waiting room card- only 47 more people to go. He didn't give a second thought to the last person he'd bet against.

Bev, however, remembered the bet very well. Since story was already deviating from the obvious plot, she decided to go after Baa, thus completing the surrealist nature of this story by totally altering the originally decided storyline. She went through a mental checklist of what she would need to retrieve her bet money from Baa, as he didn't seem the type to surrender money that easily. She had a slightly damaged and graffiti-covered ship, two minions that were attracted to her as she didn't recoil from them upon touch and a Sat Nav. That £50 was as good as hers.

Several hours later, Baa and co were in a meeting to pitch their new show, _Antique Parrots_. So far the producers seemed interested, since their audience were seemingly only interested in shows involving maniacs and weirdoes (Such as the author, and possibly some of you readers). They were told to go to the offices at the Island De Dramatic Scene for a further meeting, and hopefully they would soon be on their way to a show with an audience of 37.5% of the elderly daytime TV watchers. The sky was the limit, it seemed- well, the clouds maybe. The low lying ones, on top of skyscrapers.

So they headed back to the Black Raisin, walking past the house Bev, Jock and Bill were squatting in. Bev spotted them, and proceeded to follow them in a stalkerly manner, with Jock and Bill following like lost puppies. After a while, Baa noticed- probably because Bev started trying to do elaborate feats of gymnastics, crashing into numerous villagers, objects and even members of the crew- so he made the crew sprint to the Black Raisin and speed away at a rate that shouldn't be possible in such an old fashioned boat.

As they faded into the distance, Baa yelled, "You're not getting any money off me!", angering Bev so much that she dived into the water to swim after him. Jock and Bill tried to save her, before realising they couldn't swim, and the reader realised the déjà vu of the situation and agreed that the author didn't have to go through it again- thank you.

So the crew of the Imparroter with Bev the self-proclaimed captain gave chase- once again unaware that they were being followed by a corpse and a beard...

_If you review, you may get a rubbish, flammable wolf wearing a T-shirt. But probably not._


	10. WRITER'S BLOCK

On the Imparroter, Jock was bored. He had remained in his own cabin for a few hours, trying to work out where to plug in his CD player and then dancing for a while, an exercise which was proving to be extremely stress-relieving. But once he'd realised that all the songs on the psychedelic CD were pretty much the same, he took it upon himself to become an agent plot device and ask Bev and Bill for their back stories- wrongly assuming that there was something they were hiding or didn't know.

"We found out a few years ago that his dad made parrot charms with trackers in them for the police, so they could arrest more of them." Bev told him in a bored monotone, "His mum helped sell them, and later catch them. His parents were killed by a falling water slide, and Bill's been living on the insurance money and his apprenticeship ever since."

"I'm gonna be a blacksmith!" Bill added enthusiastically as Jock realised that these people wouldn't have particularly interesting back-stories. Still, he dutifully asked Bev what her life was like.

"Well, my dad wants me to become a lady and marry someone like Norrrrringtonnnnn, but I want to be..." she paused for a fairly undramatic effect, "A trolley pusher!"

There was a long silence, after which Bev gave up on any kind of response and asked Jock, "So what's your story?"

"I was once a parrot on the Black Raisin. It was fun- they let me have my own room for dancing, and I kept all the dead parrots from the raids. But then they all got drunk and decided to dump me on a desert island with no sugar or alcohol! I had to escape on the _Sea Turtle, _a cruise ship where they made me do...things to do my keep." Much cajoling/threatening on Bev's part made Jock elaborate. "They made me dance to... 80s techno music!" Jock sobbed, the trauma of betraying his own dancing genre proving too much. There was an awkward silence, and the subject changed.

But it was nothing of interest to the reader. Well, time for a change of scene.

"Are we still being followed?" Rebecci enquired of the captain, looking out the rear-end window nervously.

"Yar, but we'll manage to head them off before we get to the Isle de Dramatic Scene."

"Using raccoons?" Intel demanded. Baa stopped at this, his face thoughtful.

"Yar...maybe we will, Intel." As one, the crew (which, as it turned out, consisted of only two other people not encountered before in this story) gasped.

"But captain, Intel's crazy!" Exclaimed one of the two miscellaneous pirates, with no protest from even Intel.

"Yar... so crazy it's going to work!" Baa exclaimed, confirming the reader's suspicions that he was a clichéd, insane old coot.

Later that day, the crew of the Black Raisin had purchased several raccoons, two wombats and a giraffe (raccoons were fallible). After being taught how to swim, some with arm floaties, the animals were lobbed off the ship in the direction of the _Imparroter. _

The _Black Raisin_ then sped away, noticing that the elusive RSPCA pirate ship was fast approaching. Team Beard-Corpse (complete with T-shirts) joined Team Raccoon (name chosen by the majority) to form a new team, named Team Wolverines (Team Bearded-Raccoon-Corpse was too long, it was decided). The idea of the Anti-Excessive Brackets Brigade was thrown around, mostly so the author would get the hint. Hmph.

Just as Team Wolverines began their attack on the _Imparroter_, the author got revenge with another scene change! But they would get in soon...

"...and that's how I got banned from the _X-Factor_ studio." Bev concluded angrily, thudding her fist down onto the table. A loud THUNK sounded, but it wasn't caused by Bev. It was caused by the animals and corpse landing on the deck, and by the author smacking a hand to her head as she realised she didn't actually know whether to distinguish between the animals and the beard which, as stated before, was actually an animal trained to sit very still. But she didn't dwell on it as an action sequence was in order.

"Who's there?" Bill said, his voice a few tones away from being only heard by dogs.

His question was answered (rather well time, don't you think?) by Team Wolverines breaking the door down. The crew of the _Imparroter_ put up a brave fight for approximately five seconds before turning into gibbering cowards (Bill and Jock) or bored (Bev).

Team Wolverines deliberated for about twice the time it took them to overpower Bill, Bev and Jock about what to do with them, and decided that the best course of action would be... there was a long pause, and after several minutes the author sent a sheepish message in the form of a note fluttering from the ceiling. Bev read it out to everyone, being the only one that could read, apart from Zombie Billy, but the letter would have been covered with various rotting stuff.

It read, _Sorry, I couldn't think of anything for Team Wolverines to do. This problem will be solved momentarily._

Seemingly from no-where, a huge grey brick also fell from the ceiling, crushing Team Wolverines and making a large hole in the floor. Across the side was stamped the words WRITER'S BLOCK.

_Remember kids, writer's block really does kill! To avoid its wrath, review NOW!_


	11. Drunken Half Rats

The crew of the _Imparroter _continued on their quest to retrieve Bev's bet money- all thanks to the quick thinking of the author, dreadfully pun-filled though it was. Unfortunately, it turned out that the Writer's Block had crushed the Sat Nav, so they would have to find either a new Sat Nav or, more cheaply, kidnap a human navigator to lead them to the Isle de Dramatic Scene.

Despite having already visited a typical pirate island in this story, the crew decided to risk repetitiveness and visit the totally original Ratrat Island. This was an island filled with shadowy parrots who were said to have blood mixed with a race of giant rats that could only be seen by people who were so drunk they couldn't see straight. As a result, the inhabitants of Ratrat Island generally kept hip flasks at all times so they could see each other. This was sometimes inconvenient, but it meant that if you were annoyed at someone, you could just stay sober for a while. This worked unless both rat-people were annoyed, then tricks could be played or they would keep walking into each other.

Bev, Bill and Jock also encountered this problem, bumping into several of the Ratrat inhabitants before having tankards of cheap beer thrust into their hands. Soon, they could see the rat-like people (or the humanoid rats) and could, in a rambling and slurring way, asking for help.

"W-we need a nagivator... a gavinator... yeah, for our shlip." Bev said before walking into a lamppost.

"Or a Satellite Navigations System, good sir." Bill said, the alcohol making him sound like an odd twat from another story. Jock nodded, the movement causing him to lose balance and fall over.

By the end of a torturous five minutes, though it seemed longer to the Ratrat inhabitants, they had successfully explained their need for navigation equipment/people. So they took the crew of the _Imparroter _to someone who not only could navigate, but who they were sick of and wanted to send away with some idiots who probably had self-destructive tendencies. Perfect.

The annoying person in question was an odd young woman named Layla. As well as knowing about navigation, she was highly skilled at making sushi, carving eggs and many other unusual and mostly useless skills. She annoyed people because she kept trying to bring these unusual skills to the local school, market stalls and random homes. All in all, she was generally irritating and persistent.

The crew of the _Imparroter _loved her.

It took approximately ten minutes for the Ratrat residents to pack Layla's bags, mostly with the odd equipment from her various hobbies, and say goodbye. The crew of the _Imparroter _took this time to drunkenly attempt to repair the ship using maple syrup, pancakes and a lot of carpets. Although only the last one was used for repairs as Bev, Jock and Bill were hungry and needed something to soak up the alcohol.

In what seemed like no time at all (or was that the alcohol?), the slightly- expanded crew were setting sail towards the Isle de Dramatic Scene thanks to their new navigator/sushi chef/egg sculptor.

Bev wondered if perhaps they should have spent more time on Ratrat island- it seemed that the place was just a one-dimensional plot device created by the author for mild amusement and to introduce another maniac... this ponderance was brought to an abrupt halt when Bev noticed the Writer's Block hovering above her head. She glared at it, then got distracted by the prospect of food and forgot about it.

As the crew sat down to a meal of nigiri and maki with candlesticks crafted from piled-up eggs, Layla chatted amicably, if a little nonsensically.

"So in the end, I just told the novelty pineapple salesman that he could either co-operate with my shared profits policy or I would send my egg henchmen round to hurt his business," she paused as her face darkened, "He got hurt in the process. No-one messes with my business."

There was a silence as the three original members of the _Imparroter _judged whether this level of crazy was still on par with that of their ship. They decided not to object to Layla's presence- Bill and Jock because she scared them, Bev because she liked sushi and it was fun to scare her two friends.

"Dance, my puppets, dance with feeeaaarrr!!!" she muttered quietly to herself as Layla continued talking, having been accepted by the crew as one of them- a lunatic.

_The word "ponderance" is courtesy of my friend Kate, and this chapter is courtesy of the voices, particularly the Duchess of Coconut! _


	12. Layla: conversation killer!

For days, the _Imparroter _followed the _Black Raisin_ to the Isle de Dramatic Scene. Owing to the mysterious power of the Isle de Dramatic Scene, they could never actually meet on the ocean until they reached their destination, as dramatic scenes could only take place on the Isle de Dramatic Scene. So no dramatic scenes for this chapter, got it?

However, there may be some humorous, random or mildly interesting scenes, like now.

Currently, Bill was looking out to sea through the old telescope he'd just discovered while exploring the ship along with Jock, who was now rummaging through a chest full of dead parrots to find a good one to carry as a weapon in future. Bev was learning the art of sushi-making from Layla while they discussed the merits of learning Latin. It was rather peaceful, until Bill spotted something on the horizon.

It was a ship with the League of Men in White Wigs flag flying high, and as Bill watched, horrified and unable to move, he saw Norrrrringtonnnnn standing at the head of the ship in what he thought was a striking and heroic pose but really made him look a bit dodgy. Then Bill realised that in the time it took him to see this in a horrified manner, the ship had come close enough for the rest of the crew to see and take action against. His cry of, "enemies ahoy!" went blatantly unnoticed.

Bev and Layla were setting about lighting the cannons- however, this wasn't as successful as they had expected as instead of cannonballs there were dead parrots, courtesy of Jock.

"He's dead." Bev muttered angrily, glaring at Jock. Layla simply started loading up the cannons with more dead parrots- they were mildly scratching and bruising the enemy, if nothing else.

And nothing else they did. Soon the League of Men with White Wigs had caught up with them and their ships stood about a metre apart while Norrrrringtonnnnn and Bev spoke rather awkwardly and ineloquently considering the passion of the battle.

"Um... so, we won I guess."

"Yup, it kind of sucks."

"So we'd like you guys to come over here, you know, since we have demands and all that."

"Well, we're out of parrots to throw at you so why not."

So instead of the great battle and struggle you might have been expecting, the crew of the _Imparroter _were politely helped across to the ship and captain's quarters of the League of Men in White Wigs. Told you there wouldn't be a dramatic scene.

"So what are your demands?" Layla politely enquired, sipping her tea with milk, sugar and cocoa powder. Bev was gulping down strong, black coffee because she wanted plenty of energy to beat the living daylights out of Jock later, and the other two had juice from little plastic sippy cups owing to a tendency to scald their tongues and drop things.

"Well, firstly we're obviously going to take over your ship. It's a matter of principle and we're a bit cramped here- not everywhere likes that when Colonel Handsy gets a bit tipsy.

"Also, we'll drop off you ladies off when we finish our journey; after all, the League of Men in White Wigs is well known for its gentlemen. While you are travelling with us..." here Norrrrringtonnnnn paused while a hopeful- looking "gentleman" whispered a request in his ear, "will you make us sushi?"

Layla shrugged, and Bev said in a coffee-induced babble, "Finefinefine, but can we get on with this please, I have to hurt someone or do something or see a man about a flying monkey's uncle, which I do not give about this- what the hell you looking at? You don't know about being there-" She promptly passed out from lack of breath- but not dramatically. She simply slumped on the floor, was obviously OK and they moved on without one dramatic gasp, exclamation or sudden movement.

"Um... do you have waffle irons?" the ship's cook, who was already there serving tea and being a suspicious coincidence in his presence, nodded confusedly. "Then it's all good when it's waffle time!"

Layla sat back and relaxed as her brilliant gift at killing conversations took effect.

To break the silence just before the chapter ended, Norrrrringtonnnnn delivered the bombshell- wait, that sounds too dramatic. The water bomb- wait, balloon. Norrrrringtonnnnn delivered the water balloon that didn't splash so much as bloop.

"Oh, and Jock and Will are going to train to join the League of Men in White Wigs. That's it, I think. More tea?"

The completely not dramatic end of scene. Yup.

NAKED WAFFLES! (Surprising, not dramatic.)

_Naked waffles do not belong to me, they are a product of the dark corners of my friend Shelly's mind. Reviews are lovely, thanks _


End file.
